|
| Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
You went, left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shot
That spun me around
And now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
I should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I believe
It's like I checked into rehab and
Baby, you're my disease
Damn,
Ain't it crazy when you're love swept?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me
I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta win myself off of you
| | |
| feel like throwing up
every
minute.
MORNING
wake up - one or two seconds of blissful oblivion - i remember the pain right before it come crashing down on me again, where it stays all day.
DAY
feel sick - stand up - stare at nothing like my mind is gone - realize people might see me - feel sick - work - claw at scraps of hope i invent - feel sick.
NIGHT
walk to my bedroom, afraid of going to sleep - turn out the light and try not to think - fail - try not to imagine - fail - try to calm myself by emptying my mind - fail. Repeat. twist in my sheets - "just kill me" over and over, half awake - "i want to die" hundreds of minutes pass slowly - think about listening to the songs that keep me alive sometimes, Glosoli, Inama Nushif - no - think about calling you - no - cry, burn - feel the ridges of scabs like a complex web across my chest - "just kill me"
DREAM
together again - see you in love with me - feel your hands on my face - fall into my bed entwined - bliss, overflowing to tears - ultimate happiness, fulfilled.............
alarm. one or two seconds of blissful oblivion - i remember the pain right
before it come crashing down on me again, where it stays all day
| | |
| entering into the grey emptiness
searching to to find the self that is the key
Slow... it enters my heart and thoughts.. The culmination of my actions. Lost, utterly.. the real me that hides, i... want.
Distant, spinning through clouded visions of something I need. Hands reach out, but nothing is born. Nothing, completely, so rest. Nothing, ever..
Happiness; the result of so many subtle nuances of my heart brought together into one light. It is everything, but only because what it is the result of is Everything. As all dreams are broken, one flame of hope redeems in an all-consuming goodness.
The current below the surface, the divine. The shifting, the drift. The snowflake ashes, warm rain of a forest storm splashing life against my skin.
| | |
| i love xanga. i can hardly remember how to use it though..
hardly anyone will ever read anything i write here, but i like that. facebook is good for everything else. don't like myspace at all. xanga is more like a journal. ^_^
my thoughts today...
Moving this weekend. It will be a little sad. The only place i wasn't ever sad to move away from was my house in downtown grand rapids. :/ Samuel is going back to California.. I will probably cry. Not that we are close, but I've seen him every day for the last year and I will miss him. He changed my life... lol.
I really love Evanescence. I started listening to them again and I really appreciate how good they are musically. The piano and strings mixed with the industrial-sounding guitar... it is perfect. The lyrics are wonderful too. These are my favorite today:
i'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears
-my last breath
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
-imaginary
They remind me of my dreams.
Sam is in Detroit until friday. I am excited for her. The day before she left I just started feeling like everything would really be ok again. I think it will last. Now that we've really been though the worst possible situations... and we are still together. I love her. There are still moments when I think of what has happened and the pain fills up my head with noise and my body with burning. I feel in those moments like I am pushed completely out of reality and into something else, and if it lasted more than a moment, I would be lost in it forever. Blackness, filled with static and noise and burning. I am most vulnerable when I am falling asleep. I constantly have to push it out of my mind...
| | |
| "I perceived the place of shattered screaming"
-me "My mind wandered to some remote corner of the universe
To fall through some crack into ..."
-me "how will i ever find you again when you sleep in the ocean?
you're swirling under the current again,
while you sleep in the ocean i drown in my bed,
and you swim in my head."
-aireline
So much happens.
I am a whirlpool of uncertain character. Changing and unchanging.
There are deep currents under the surface of my calm waters. Down in the darkness, dangerous and hidden. Foolishly, I have forgotten their names. Lost now, even to me, I search my heart for them, swimming into the depths, loosing my way. It is the symbolized decay portrayed in stories; degeneration, from elves to men, from beautiful beings to creatures of corruption. The changing of the world that plays out across the heart of every person; growing up. The subtle shifts take place in the shadow of my distraction and in the hours of my restless sleep. I am being subdued... Rebelion, the desire to wholly shed the absurdity that is the modern world... But lost, unable to see the way.
| | |
|
